Trigger-happy

Just when I thought you were locked away; I test the padlock, but I pull the trigger and you escape.

F A T

Selfish.

To be selfish: devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

That's the dictionary definition. To an extent everyone is selfish. You are put on this earth completely in your own head along with survival instinct, some people are even raised without empathy. These things make you selfish; it's human.

Which isn't to say it's justified to be inconsiderate. Neither is it justified to be selfish in the terms of self-hatred. Self-hatred and self-deprecation although are sympathised/pitied are just as egocentric as the next inconsiderate bastard that comes along. It's self-indulgent, you're indulging your hatred and indulging poor little you to be the sole object of your thoughts. With some self-haters they justify being horrible to other people and angry with them because they feel bad about themselves. With some self-deprecators (yes I made this word up) they will always be talking about themselves by putting themselves down; whether it be genuinely or attention-seekingly (and this one).

As for the people that call others selfish; it's usually because you're not thinking about them that they'll say that, pretty selfish huh?

This is when you have to ask yourself, is this acceptable? Is this justified? If at every point you take the time to think, and consciously decide to do something that's not totally selfish; whether it be to tell those self-hating voices in your head to take a break or to do something for someone else even if though it inconveniences you. Not everyday, because it is appreciated that everyone's going to have a selfish outburst, but to make the effort.

I hope you all have fabulous days xxxxxxxxxx

The beautiful

Your beauty is a curse. It has taken away the depth you potentially had.
Your depth now consists of relying on dressing in an interesting way and looking good. Clothes don't make you an interesting person.
I know people change, but I will still be nostalgic for the person you used to be. The girl who was not vain. The girl who took people's feelings in to consideration. She, who didn't act like everyone else; stealing other people's thoughts, mannerisms, humour and stupidity.
I prefer who you were but I have taught myself to love who you are now. But everyone does. Everyone loves you but nobody really knows you. I know you because I know who you were and that's all that everyone consists of; who they were and who they want to be.
Your beauty has cursed you; people love your shell: your face, your hair, your clothes, your smile. They compliment and they flatter, and you deflect in a typical fashion. You complain because you don't see the beauty that they see.
I wish that it didn't matter to you. I wish that other people mattered to you more.

Sort your life out love

After reading a friend's blog (shout out to gregorrzzz ;) ) it made me think about wasting time and doing more with my life, however to alot of people this consists of drinking, drugs, concerts, sex, boyfriends and being a little bit crazy, basically; sex, drugs and rock n roll BABAAY.

The thing with that is i've been through some of the above, others i won't do, and others are yet to happen, ANYWAY i've only just really sorted my life out. It all seems to be a bit dul now; because i won't let myself do stupid things anymore and i know it sounds patheically childish, but being sensible just isn't all that much fun. It's not even just the things i won't let myself do, but with the sensibility comes added maturity; and being surrounded by angsty teenagers just makes you hate people.

I hate the trendy people. I hate them with a passion. I hate jeggings, i hate girls that walk around with their bums hanging out the bottom of their shorts/skirts, i hate people that want tattoos/piercings because they feel it will make them unique even though they express it in the same fricking way everyone else does, i hate people that will join in with something horrible just to play along with their friends, people that only do nice things so that they can put themselves in a good light, people that will lie in order to seem more interesting, and i hate attention whores. Sure, everyone likes a limit, but know when to stop. Geez.

Anyway, i will now list the things i love in people because i like to do that after ranting. I love people that aren't afraid, i love ambitious, hard-working people, i love reliable people, i love people that genuinely apologise, i love people that will go out of their way to do something for you and i love it when you smile at a stranger in the corridor and they'll smile back at you.

I appreciate the positive list is alot shorter than the negative list, but too much love can be sickening.

On that note, love to you all :D have the most wonderful day and smile at people you don't know in the street or the corridor! xxxxxxxx

Sickened

607 calories today, it should be zero really. I'm going to guess 700 yesterday.
It's getting better but it's still not quite good enough.


Is it possible to be an extremely negative person and positive person at the same time?
Or am I a pessimist that desires to be positive? OR am I an optimist that has been poisoned with negativity?
Why the hell do we have to label things to feel like we have an identity?

Although today I have to say I am proud that I am not Irish-
bloodyhellgodammitjesuschristfuckingwankshitbollocksonmaryandjoseph
-because I can say this and not be fined fucking £22,000. Even if the accent is a little bit sexy.


Anyway, referring to the title I am utterly sickened by everything today. The blaspheme fine, people, boredom, love, hate, exams, relationships, English language and literature, my parents forgetting to pick me up from my sister's house so I don't have the choice in whether I stay here tonight or not.
I've noticed that all the thing's that sicken me are all the things you have no choice or control over.

However with a sanguine disposition i will list the all the good things of today too: strawberry chapstick, interaction with friends, waking up from a good dream, reading the amusing titles of ludicrous facebook groups and actually managing to motivate myself into doing a maths paper, reading 5 pages of a chemistry textbook and the pavement coated in a veil of bedazzling sparkling ice emphasised by the dim light of the street lamp twinkling on it's frozen surface.

Nothing like a bit of pretentious description to end a blog.

The Second Post- my aren't these titles interesting?

My Logic is battling with what I feel right now. Sometimes I want to waste away down to 6st or possibly less, even just to see if i can do it again. But luckily those times are few and far between now. I just want to be 7st6, it sounds right. But then the logic comes in that even if I were at that weight then it wouldn't seem quite light enough. Although BMI-wise it would make me underweight; that's the stupid thing, everything that is in the 'normal' range just seems fat to me. I'm talking about on myself before anyone gets offended.
I sound disgustingly self-indulgent, but this is a blog, everything in this is self-indulgent. If I were just to state the things that other people are doing around me it would make this rather mundane.
After reading other people's blogs it's made me realise that no matter how people appear to be, they all feel and think the same way. They all seem to be having an identity crisis, all feel lonely and like nobody understands them. The things they admit to on here, if people knew what they were thinking every single one of them would say 'If you ever need to talk...'. You have no idea how many people say that to me! With half of them I bet that if I went to them with a problem they would just zone out as i spoke and give a sympathetic look, all the while thinking 'that's not that bad, geez shut up and let me get on with my life, i have my own problems too you know'. It annoys me when people attempt compassion but they're only doing it to be socially adequate and don't actually want to follow through on it. It makes me laugh though, it triggers the s club 7 song in my head, where the lyrics go 'when the world leaves you feeling blue, you can count on me I will be there for you'.
These things make you wonder though, why are people so self-deprecating? What is the point? Do we do it to fit in? I wonder that if everyone was self-appreciative (I'm guessing that's the opposite) whether people would try to fit in with that, rather than constantly looking for affirmation where there is none; only desperation and self-pity. However people that are genuinely self-appreciative are either admired or envied, and therefor despised.

Anywaay, those are just things I thought about during my 4 hours of revision today, it was supposed to be 6 but i am so lazy. Instead I spent those assigned 2 hours making a christmas present for my best friend. I'm hoping that she likes it, I don't expect her face to light up or anything, but at least not to do the whole fake gratitude that you see people doing on their birthdays after they've opened like the 7th present and they're appreciation and 'OH THANK YOU!' s are wearing thin.

Merry Christmas everyone :)

xxx